Wednesday, December 28, 2016

the dust has only just begun to fall

Even if other people think it, I've never really been the type of person to do what other people do. I see people do things and I think "oh, cool" and then move on. However, rarely (and very rarely) I run into people I genuinely like. When I say that, I mean I like everyone, actually. Just a few people really stick with me and I latch on to them to listen to their every word like God put them on earth just to make me happy. I can count on one had the people that I believe when they tell me things, which maybe is sad...maybe not. I like to think I can think for myself though. 

I'm saying this because I've been creepily lusting after Chondra Sanchez's life. She's the wife of the lead singer of Coheed and Cambria. In a way, stalking her makes me cry because she has literally everything I've always wanted. And she has the cutest son on the planet (even if no one likes little boys with long hair except me!) Read her blog here and I think you'll like it. 

I'm listening to Imogene Heap right now. It's kinda fitting. Sitting on the couch with my new Lush mask that I've left on way past the recommended time frame, drinking my green tea with lemon. I'm watching my cute Christmas lights that I was so excited about but now make me want to scream and tear them down. There's only so much Christmas spirit in this Grinch.

In other, boring news: I'm going to buy a new computer. I guess I don't need one, but I also do need one. I've spent so much money on technology during my multiple break downs, I thought I'd buy something when I was sane. I honestly don't know anything about computers because I've never cared about them, but since this old junker is literally hanging on by  a thread (the screen on the left side has completely detached at the hinge), I'd say it's time to upgrade. I've had this baby since Junior year of college and we've had enough good times and I'm ready to grow up and move on.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

you'll burn in hell while they're digging you out.

Update to a previous post: Apparently I'm horrible- I have an iPad Mini 4. ugh

I've been listening to "Somewhere on a Beach" by Dirks Bentley for about 3 days now. On repeat. I throw in some Coheed and Cambria for a little angst when I need it.

I'm trying to sync my iPad to my computer but I'm using relatively new technology with a computer that was created before the dawn of the iPad. I'm just a little lost. I need a new computer. I think that will be my next big break-down-impulse-buy. I'll eventually pay it off. Who needs good credit anyway when you can have a brand new Macbook that will easily sync with all of your other products?  I mean my iTunes just keeps shutting down on me. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG, TECHNOLOGY GODS? This computer, I swear, is the most frustrating POS on earth. Other than the fact that it sucks in general, it's almost ten years old at this point and it was meant to last two or three. I just want to play SIMS without my computer shutting down on me, people. I want to be in the 21st century. But alas, here I sit, freezing on my couch. Out of wine. Bath and Body Works 3-wick candle burning bright. Ready for a new day.

Did I post these already? This is from a Drag show, obviously. 

Jesse, bad boy. Just come and look at what your brother did.

While this Christmas I'm consumed with my own petty grief and frustration, I have to thank the people out there who have been so kind and spirited this Christmas season. I don't mean for this to be a lame post, but it truly helps knowing that there are such genuine people out there, while the Grinch in me still sees Christmas as the worst holiday in human existence. Such genuine expressions of kindness in the holiday season:

My borough: Sharpsburg, while cluttered with drugs and section 8 participants, is a cute little town. Maybe like two miles at most in whole, but it has a lot of spirit. I don't partake in any community activities, however, I see how close a lot of other people are. This morning I was in a bad mood (as always) and I was driving down my street and noticed that all of the parking meters at the end of the street (the only place with parking meters) had white plastic garbage bags covering them. At first thought, what in the world?!, but upon closer inspection
They say "Merry Christmas". Now, the entire year and two months I've been in my house I never knew that you actually had to pay to park there...But just the idea. How sweet and thoughtful, I wanted to cry. Honestly, how nice of a gesture is that? I also live in that tiny town type atmosphere where there is a (once adorable but now filled with vacant buildings or dive bars) cute main street that has Christmas lights and a gigantic tree in the middle of it.

Next up: My landlord. Now I have a new landlord as of this month as I guess some larger company bought my rental agency. They sent met a $25 dollar Target gift card. Seriously, how nice is that? I understand that most people probably get better gifts, but again, such a nice gesture. I'm so grateful for that. The whole reason I got the gift card was because I paid my rent on time. Which is funny cause there were about 3 or 4 months when I was late, but I guess they don't care as long as I sent the late fee.

A very limited number of my clients. Now I understand that I'm just "doing my job", but like everyone, it's always nice to feel appreciated. I have a select few clients who actually tell me that they appreciate what I do and how thankful they are that I'm helping them. It's always such an insane feeling to know that people need you and that what you do makes a difference. Not to be cheesy or anything.... My one client that I've been with almost the entire three years is really close to me. I know that I mean a lot to her, which is weird, but she tells me that if I leave she'll be so upset and I know that she would be. She bought me a blanket (I told her I can't receive gifts from clients, but she always finds loopholes) and got me a bunch of candy. Just that she thought of me is so nice. And I have one client who doesn't have any money but she got me a free frosty from Wendy's and a cute little card. It's more meaningful when my clients actually think of things and don't just send mass cards. Or like when you're a teacher and kids parent's just buy you generic things because they feel obligated. The few clients who get me things actually think of me when they're getting it. How nice is that?

I have one client who, while she didn't get me anything, I feel extremely appreciated.   I actually like her and her family a lot. Her grandparents are pretty well off and they live in a nice neighborhood. She went to Duquesne for Law School and she had, I guess you'd call it a "mental breakdown", whatever. So I'm working with her to get everything back on track. I helped her get her disability approved, which is a pretty big feat (because she actually needs it) and we're working on getting her extremely high loans forgiven.  Every time I go over there, she and her grandma tell me how thankful that they are that I've been helping them and they don't know what they'd do without me. That's such a nice compliment. In a world where I hear how I'm not doing enough and I didn't get this or that done one time, it's so helpful to hear things like that. It really keeps me going. Which is odd since I'm not really a type of person who needs that confirmation. But it's so nice to hear.

It's really hard doing what I do a lot of times, and it's honestly not rewarding. I'd like to think that I'm good at my job, and despite what you'd assume, I'm very good at working with people. I'm very calm and I don't show my clients my emotions or my frustrations (almost all of the time, some times aren't great). I'd think I have one of the most frustrating jobs out there and I sure as hell don't get paid enough. It's really hard when I have some clients that make more than me and they receive all of these benefits because a lot of times their disability income isn't counted and it's not taxed. So their actual take home is more than I make. Not saying that I work particularly hard or anything, but still. When I watch people spend $200+ a month on cable and "struggle to pay their bills" when I don't even have cable and can't get any assistance. Not that I would ever ask for it, but still. I tell them things like "we need to look at reducing your cable bill" and it's like I asked them to kill their mother. They sit at home all day and are depressed and they need it. I hate this system that's been created. I don't know who is to blame, but something needs to change. I don't have any idea how to change it and I mean, it's paying my bills...I don't want to speak for all of my clients, but in the three years I've been in this job, I've had 100+ clients and I'd say about 6 of them actually needed to be on disability. And the sad thing is that the clients that I have that are the most affected by mental illness are the ones who are working or who are trying to find a job or some meaningful volunteer activity. Explain that to me? Somehow this system where laziness is rewarded has been created and I don't know if there is a way to fix it. I firmly believe that my job is necessary and that a lot of my clients couldn't survive without my help...but there are so many who just assume that I'll do everything for them and find them money whenever they spend too much on cigarettes and can't pay their rent. Little do they know, I'm not that type of Service Coordinator. I'm a lazy one too. I'm lazy and I don't believe in coddling people. You're an adult and unless you have a dual MR diagnosis, you will be making and scheduling all of your appointments. I will give you plenty of resources but you're never going to get off your couch and stop complaining about your back pain that is directly linked to you sitting on your couch until you do it yourself. That's another thing. I get that you have "fibromyaliga" because of your depression, but I'm not your therapist and I'm not here to sit and listen to you bitch about your depression. I'm really not sensitive and maybe I'm not cut out for this job, bu oh well I'm here and I'm getting a paycheck.

Anyway, this whole post was supposed to be about how grateful I am for those few people in this world who are kind and do things for others out of the goodness of their own hearts and here I go on a rant about how much my clients annoy me. Sorry about that.

On to better things...

Saturday, December 17, 2016

The next chords struck are fault and failure And we both know that finger points on cue There's blame for two

You know when you're so frustrated you're almost homicidal? Not literally, obviously. I've just been a fireball of annoyance, and I don't why. We all know I get easily annoyed, but I promise you I've been better lately than I've been in the past. I'm just struggling lately to not blow up at my clients. And they're not even doing anything, they're just there. I keep having all of these computer issues at work and I don't have ten seconds to call IT to have them fix it, not like they'd be able to figure out. My email won't work on my phone and my damn phone keeps turning off when it's charged enough. The phones in our cubicle don't work when I dial out, but for some reason they work for everyone else. I tried like 4 times to make a phone call and I dialed 9 as I always have, and I am certain I dialed the correct number-it didn't work. Said the number I dialed is disconnected. I called with my pos cell phone and it worked. So before I called from my cell phone, I was at heightened annoyance.  I slammed the phone down and said, very audibly, "This fucking phone" as someone was walking by my cubicle room. I hope it wasn't a client...

Anyway, (metaphor alert) you know when you keep expired food in your refrigerator and you keep eating it, knowing that you're going to get sick? Well I take the trash out every Tuesday morning, but the fridge is freaking full of expired food. It's starting to smell really bad. I just want to be worried about something when I can't. Then I feel bad about it and start extreme worrying on other things that are more logical, but still unnecessary. Then it just manifests itself in extreme anger and/or isolation and everyone is mad at me.

In happy news, I started watching  a new show called The Man In The High Castle. I finished a book called Sweetbitter and started reading How To Talk To A Widower. While the latter is pretty good (former not so much), I just can't get into it. I'd rather just stare at the TV

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Santa Claus is coming to town

I really hate blogging on my iPad (hint hint maybe I need a keyboard for Christmas...I have a mini 3) because I always have 1,490 spelling mistakes. Where are you when I need you, autocorrect?
 I'm becoming this person who isn't a grinch. I don't know why, I don't know how. But I've come a long way from the person who shop on Christmas eve and then throws everyone's presents at them still wrapped in a target bag or just horribly wrapped in general. I have almost everyone done and I tried really hard to wrap correctly. I still suck, but I hope everyone appreciates the effort. I'm also happy that my family FINALLY decided what were doing for the big day. While it hasn't been officially confirmed, I'll at least be celebrating in the city of bridges...the steel city. Whatever we are here in Pittsburgh. And I'll be listening to the only four Christmas songs I can tolerate ( You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch, Last Christmas, Santa Claus is coming to town The Boss version and Christmas All Over Again... and who am I kidding, the whole Hanson Christmas album).

Despite my surprising interest in Christmas, I still loathe the snow. Go away and never come back.