Sunday, January 24, 2016

Nothing like the rain when you're in outer space.

I'm really getting tired of drunken confessions from men. Like stop being a 12 year old girl and just tell me how you feel when you're sober, like an adult, preferably to my face. Like don't break up with me, don't decide that you screwed up and want to be with me, don't make me feel bad because we never did anything. Like, come on. You're all pathetic. Anyway, I just had to get that out there. 

So back to the online dating world. I hate it, but whatever. It's all very overwhelming. Work is very overwhelming right now. And all I want to do is lay on my couch and watch Hot in Cleveland and drink beer. Beer at night, tea during the day, don't worry. I fell yesterday on my sidewalk. I'm really sore right now and the thought of going to work tomorrow makes me sick. I need to stop drinking coffee, I think it's giving me an ulcer. 

In other news, I need to get my nails done. 
You can do it, Brucey. 

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

I want to breathe you in like a vapor; I want to be the one you remember; I want to feel your love like the weather, all over me

So I've been listening to nothing but 5 Seconds of Summer. A boy band, yes. But so much more than that. The first few songs on the album are extremely poppy, but they just keep getting better. I like to scream Vapor while I'm driving around in my car. It helps with the sadness. Speaking of this song, just some grammar problems. I was googling the lyrics so I could get them right and when it says "I want to breathe you in like a vapor", all of the webpages online were saying "I want to breathe you in like your vapor". When I skimmed over it I said "oh, I thought it was a'". Then I said this makes no sense. It would have to be "you're". Thankfully I still had the hard copy of the cd from the library. It was "a". Makes much more sense.

Anyway, I woke up this morning and I tried to get a shower, turned my water on and. Itching came out but a tiny stream of cold water. So I didn't get to shower this morning because I thought that my pipes were frozen. I tried again before I left for work, and it was normal. Come on! So I didn't shower today. I walked around stinking all day. But what else is new. I ate mcdonalds today. Yay. Didn't work out, of course. I had every intention of going to the gym but I was so worried about my pipes. You should know I paranoid by now. I can't win. 

I'm going shopping with my mom if I can ever get off the couch. I love Hot in Cleveland 

Monday, January 18, 2016

I'm lonely like a castaway

I'm feeling extremely frustrated right now and I'm not enjoying anything. I spent all day with my mom and her family, so obviously I'm a little on edge to start off with. Then I come home to attempt to get some dishes done, only to find that my dishwasher is broken. It starts having a burning smell and was making weird noises. It's not draining, I guess it's clogged or something. 

Again, extremely frustrated. I somehow passed about 6 libraries but didn't return the books.... How does that happen? My landlord called me at 8:30 this morning and I was freaking out because Alex and I got really drunk again and I was worried that we did something. No, the landlord just can't get in touch with my neighbor, he wanted to see if I had seen him. I'm not going to drink anymore. I can't take how sad it makes me. I'm sad enough without whiskey and beer to make me do stupid things. 

Last night snowed so much and I hate driving in snow. I had to drive my mom back to my grandmas and the whole way she was gasping and it was driving me insane. 

It's so cold in my living room and part of the kitchen. The radiators keep the rest of the house warm, but the one in the living room isn't as efficient and therefore, a freezing living room. Everywhere else in my house is extremely hot. I can't win. I'm curled up on my couch with three blankets and the heater next to me. Also, I need to find some headphones. I have no idea where mine are.  

Anyway, here are the pictures from Christmas: 
We're all so happy and unphotogenic 

Thursday, January 14, 2016

I don't know why I return to the scenes of these crimes

I really wanted to hate this cd, but I absolutely love it. I listened to a few songs when it came out,but didn't think anything of it. Then yesterday I was like " you have nothing to listen to, nothing to read, nothing to watch...girl you better find something before you go insane". And here we are. I found anstephen King novel, this album and I've been watching Hot In Cleveland. I just got the newest 5 seconds of Summer cd, but I'm not sure if I want to listen to it. It reminds me of the only point of last year where I was actually happy. 

Anyway, I've become completely codependent on my coworkers. We literally talk to each other all day. Sometimes we do stuff after work, but not too often. I feel like they all,have more exciting things to do. That's the bad things about coworkers. Like when are you friends,my hen are you coworkers? I'm not sure cause they're kinda all that I have right now. Not that I don't care about my other friends,ntheure just not giving me what I need. And if I knew what i meant by that I would explain it better. 

I got a fish! 
I keep forgetting about him. 

And I should probably go do notes but I can't focus. I really need to clean my house so I can post some photos. Didn't I say I was going to take more? 

Sunday, January 3, 2016

I have seen sinking ships go down with more grace than you

My plan for today was to create a new blog. To have everything be new. But that seemed like a lot of work. It's totally defeating the purpose of 2016. Every year, Marissa and I decide that we will be positive in the new year. I always spend so much of my life being negative, that it seems like a good decision to wake up and decide to be positive and actually be positive. Then mid-January (and when I say that I mean around January 3rd), I fall back into my pessimism. I change my tune and rationalize it like "you know, you're just not wired to be optimistic. Why would you want to change the way that you're made so other people can find you more appealing?" And then I continue on with my sadness. So this year I am not going to do that. I'm not going to have any goals other than to get stuff done. And when I say that I mean:

- Pay all of my bills on time.
- Get rid of the balances on my credit card
- Pay off my car
- Go at least one new place per month
- Use my camera a lot more
- Get off performance under review at work
- Read A LOT more
- Learn to cook more foods
- Drink A LOT of tea (and learn more about it)
- Discover some new music/go to concerts
- Find someone positive for my life (not necessarily meaning a male. I just have a lot of people sliding out of my life lately that I used to be close with and I'd like that to stop. I would like to have one friend who lives near me that shares my interests and values)

So there, nothing major. No big changes to my personal self. I would just like to try more. I never really try anything, but it might be nice to start. The main thing I want to do is to do well at work. I want to focus on doing well as these last three months were sort of a wake up call. I had a lot of ups and downs, mostly downs, this last quarter (October, November, December) and I have to get myself out of this funk. I'm planning on TRYING REALLY HARD at work, and I'm going to stick with that.

As for the other goals, I've been forgetting to pay my bills. I have so many. The last few days I've been regretting moving out as it's made me have to spend a lot of money that I didn't want to and I'm still not okay with being alone at night, but I'm getting better. Since college, I've never had a balance on my credit card, despite my impulse spending when I was in my early 20's. But I didn't have bills. I didn't have to worry about having the heat too high so my gas bill won't be $200. All I was worried about was paying my damn student loan. I'd like to try new things, get out there, but do it without spending a whole bunch of money.

I'm still trying to manage this new alone life. And I say that like this whole relationship was my whole life. The last few months really did suck. And I think a major part of me still being sad is because I don't want to be alone. I got so used to the idea of not being alone, not being pressured to do things that I didn't want to do, to have someone to text all day, to have someone to talk about, not necessarily the specific person. I made plans and had ideas. The first time in my life I was actually excited about someone, even though, looking back, I shouldn't have been. The sad thing is that guys are so easy to find, you can just text one of the stupid ones you have on retainer or go on OkCupid for the 100th time and have a whole bunch more idiots right at your fingertips. I just don't want to. Don't get me wrong, I am, but it's not something I'm excited about.

And I should make a resolution in 2016 to not bring back dumb people from the past, but that's never going to happen. We all know that. Alex told me that my relationship with that really stupid person is like Carrie and Big. I've never watched Sex and the City, but I don't think that's a good comparison. I don't even know why I'm allowing this to happen again. But, like I said, I can't be alone. The thought of it makes me want to hurl, but I need someone to say nice things to me at the moment. I'm getting away from it. I feel like I've grown a lot. You should see this crazy, emotional human being that I've been the last few days. You'd probably think that I was abducted by aliens who reprogrammed by emotionless brain. But maybe that's a good thing.

We will see.

I finally got my living room to mostly where I want it. I still should get some art work, but more on that later. I cleaned everything and I got my TV stand from my aunt up and ready to go, which means that I finally have a coffee table. I can actually have my guests put their coffee mugs on a table and not have to lean forward three feet to put it on a radiator.

When my camera charges, I was planning on taking some pictures of my living room with everything set up.

P.S the title of this blog is about me. I'm freaking myself out.