Sunday, August 24, 2014

lies don't need an airplane to chase you anywhere.

Don't say it's over
Cause that's the worst news I could hear I swear that I will
Do my best to be here just the way you like it
Even though its hard to hide
Push my feelings all aside
I will rearrange my plans and change for you

The days that I actually turn on my computer you poor people get so many blogs. I would blog more but no one reads my blog and my computer crashes at least three times per blog, so I have to have a lot of enthusiasm for blogging. 

I stopped cleaning my room to look for blogs. I found none, but I did find some food downstairs. What I was thinking about was the other day I had this training about grief and it was the strangest training I've ever had. The training was presented by an organization that has a few facilities around Pennsylvania where kids and their families go when they have a death of someone close to them. It's just a place they can go and talk to other people about their grief. I thought it was going to be a training that talks about the center. No, it was like a group therapy session. One that I clearly didn't partake in as I've never experienced grief. I think that with my current job and my past job, I've just come to not see my clients as actual people, more like movies or stories. I know that sounds really horrible because that's not really how I see them, it's just how my mind feels when they tell me stories. Like what's happened to them never really actually happened, like when you read a book it was in someone else's imagination. But when your co-workers are telling these extremely sad stories about growing up without their mother's or their parents or spouse dying and having to tell their family what happened. I was trying so hard not to burst out crying, which is odd for me. I usually only cry when good things happen. 
Point of the story: We had to color an outline of a fat man with our grief. Since I don't have grief, I just did my "feelings" in general. They didn't tell us the point of the exercise when we were picking out what 4 crayons we wanted to use. I think it's supposed to be some sort of psychological thing where you pick colors that define you. Well, since I was in the bathroom, all of my favorite colors were chosen and I got the leftovers. Thankfully they had a million boxes of crayons so better colors than pea green were left, but all of the yellows were gone. Yellow is my favorite. I just chose a bunch of pastel colors. Maybe my subconscious mind is right. I mean, do I ever really get that mad or sad or angry or happy? Not really. I feel like it's all very pastel. I used the darkest color that I had, which was purple, and I colored all the way around the outside and my whole head. I think that was fitting because the feelings that I do have are very fleeting and they're only slightly intense for about ten minutes. Then I calm down and graduate down to the lighter peaches and pinks that I chose. 
I always like to think of my feelings as layers, like the earth. I don't know what each layer means because it appears they change a lot. Like I have that core that's pretty tough. And I think all around it is a liquid mush and then the outside is also sort of hard, but hard like a cookie. Maybe that's how everyone is, I don't know, but this is my thought process about myself. 

Maybe one day I'll get people. Right now, I can't tell if I'm supposed to walk away or stay. I usually stay because I'm that person that doesn't get hints and I just sort of stand there awkwardly until you tell me to leave in those exact words. Like boys, it's easier to break up with me via text than face to face. Alex said she gets mad when this happens, but I can't take it. I don't cry or plead or even speak really. Then I get told that I'm "not being very emotional about this". But when are you supposed to walk away, really? Just say "stop talking to me, I don't like you and I will never like you. At this point you're just like a freaking groupie".  I'm learning to get hints, but I don't want to. 


I'm starting to hate the weekends now. I think when I started this job, I liked it so much that the weeks went so fast. Maybe I was doing more then and not drinking as much and had more friends. Now the weeks go by relatively fast and the weekends feel like three minutes. 

I go on too many dates, but I can't make them stay.

So I finally listened to this new Taylor Swift song, Shake It Off. And, unlike everyone else who reads this blog, I love it.

I mostly love her hair. I mean, she always looks perfect, but her hair is amazing. I'm really liking all of the positive music lately. I've also been listening to Meghan Trainor's song. I get it's sort of "skinny shamming" but I like the beat she has going and her voice is beautiful. But Taylor's song is happy and I'm getting beaten down in the news with all of this Michael Brown and ISIS stuff. I've been listening to nothing but the angsty Brand New CD, Your Favorite Weapon and I've been in a "throw things at a wall" mood. But today I'm not. I'm not in the mood to be mad and annoyed. I'm just embarrassed that I get mad over such petty things.

I cleaned the crap out of my room today and I read about 80 pages in new book and I burned 1,100 calories. So I mean, I guess that's a productive Sunday for me. I got rid of two bags of clothes. I really don't understand why I have so many clothes. I had to get rid of most of them because I gained so much weight and none of them fit. Instead of holding on to season's old clothes, I just got rid of them. They'll never fit again so why do I need them using up my precious hangers.

I went to Ikea yesterday and there was so much that I wanted. I can't go into stores like that and Pier 1 because it just depresses me that I can't have any of it. Or I don't need it. It's not like people are coming into my room regularly. I wish they could come visit me when my room is actually clean though. I feel like every time someone comes over, my room is trashed. I would give anything to be one of those obsessive compulsive people and everything was always clean. I'm kind of the opposite.

I guess I'll go finish the rest of my room.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

I'm gonna leave you the first chance I get

I thought I'd write about our Kiawah Adventure. 

The ride down was boring as hell, obviously. 10 + hours in the back seat of a car trying to entertain yourself gets a bit tedious. We got to Kiawah and all was good. We had to stop at Costco prior to getting to the island and that was a mess. A monsoon, torrential downpour, what have you. Couldn't wait it out so we had to run across the parking lot.  FINALLY WE ARRIVED.

The rest of the week was completely uneventful. That's always a good thing. Just beach and beer (margs and wine) cause really, what else do you need? When I say it was uneventful, I mean it. No stories to even write about. We ate dinner at 7 every night. Wednesday we had Cousins Night Out. Ashleigh somehow got lost about 6 times driving us less than a mile. I went on a few bike rides, got a really weird sunburn. The usual. 

Now here's ALLLLL the pics I took. Photoblog:

 Sara starting the drive. 
 Downpour after Costco. 
Andrew's shirt that was way too small. 

 View from our balcony. 
Champagne on the beach.

 Fat legs in the ocean
 Odd panoramic because I didn't even know my phone could do this. Hard to do with champagne in your hand, clearly. 
 Alex decided to lay on me 
 Alex sporting her Kiawah shirt
 I don't know how this got in there
 View from the bridge
 Just you know

And not cute

Don't know what she was explaining

Not that great of a pic

 At least the sun looks nice if I don't look like I'm MR. Ashleigh looks high. Glad Alex looks good. 

A smidge better. 

 Waiting for everyone to hurry the hell up so we could go to breakfast. 

I got a large orange juice and Ashleigh got a small...can hardly tell the difference. 

 Delicious breakfast. I had grits for the first time ever and meh....
 The last shot of the condo. 
 My aunt was trying to get rid of all of the food so she made me this to take on my trip home. 
 And I woke up this morning and this dog was outside my bedroom door. 
These are all the spoils of my shopping trip. 

Saturday, August 16, 2014

I wish I was as invisible as you make me feel

I wish that Fall Out Boy would sing more angsty songs. Or all of those bands that I used to listen to in high school. I don't even know what these bands are singing about anymore but I need Brand New to sing "I hope you think of me when you forget your seatbelt and again when your head goes through the windshield" which, obviously, I would never wish that fortune on anyone, but it's fun to scream about when you're driving around with the windows down when you're hating someone.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Starting to get all Lana Del Rey in "Video Games".

Needs to stop now. 

Saturday, August 2, 2014

And never did I think that I Would be caught in the way you got me

I feel like I had a lot of negative emotions I needed to get out, but my computer took so long to start up and open Blogger, I'm good now. That's so easy.

I've just been singing Panic! songs since last night. I went with Marissa and Whitney to see them at Stage AE. I know, this is like the summer of concerts, it's crazy.
This is me walking back from buying the tickets. My legs are still KILLING me. That's how out of shape I am. I mean it's probably almost 6 miles, but still. Look how pretty my city is. I love walking in the North Shore, it's such a nice walk when there isn't a sporting event letting out. I hate game days because ten million people file out of the stadiums. 

The concert was really fun too. Nothing like FOB because, well, come on. But I enjoyed my Mike's Hard Lemonade and dancing. The opening bands were decent and again, no one was dancing or even looking like they were enjoying themselves. We started our night up in the back (lawn seating) and then I was like "these people are lame, let's move up". So we keep working our way up, and nothing is good enough for me. So I spot a tiny opening where some pre-teens and either their mother or their friend with Asperger's who are jammin out and that looked like a good spot. So we  jump in there and the preteen girls behind us were not having it. They scream "oh no, that's not happening" and then jump in front of the Asperger's family. Whatever, if they don't want old drunk ladies in front of them, that's their loss. I'm sure we were entertaining. I guess they just didn't want us blocking their view of a shirtless Brendan Urie. We did run into this hilarous 44 year old woman in the bathroom at The Beer Market afterwards. She was jonseing for Brendan.  

But only three Mike's and a thing of nachos during the concert. It could've been worse. Then a beer at the Beer Market. Not much drunk texting, so win for me last night. Then we went to Taco Bell, obviously. I had a big box meal, but I gave the plain taco to Whitney cause I thought that I was okay. Look at my progress. I hope everyone is happy for me. 

I don't really even like this new Panic! CD, but they put on a decent show. I don't even think if I knew all of the songs I would've been at FOB level. Like if FOB was 10 on the crazy scale and Camera Obscura was a 1, then Panic! was about a 3. I just need to find a pocket of people who love the music. AKA I need to head to the pit like at Brand New. God, I feel like I'm 19 again. I've been to so many concerts this summer...Let's see if I can even remember: Dave Matthews (not by choice), Panic!, Brand New, FOB, Camera Obscura...Okay, so not too many, but a lot for me. 
It looks like we were a lot farther back. But I could see everything clearly. That's why I love Stage AE. And I love being at the point in my life where I just show up over 2 hours after doors open because I'm over the whole standing in line game. You don't get any better seats and you don't have to stand in line and I don't care about the opening acts really. It's also so much nicer going to concerts as an adult because you have money to waste. It's not like counting pennies you pick up on the sidewalk until you can see your favorite band (even if that does make it more worth it) and post 21, post having a full time job, you can buy drinks for $8.25 and not have a heart attack.