Wednesday, May 28, 2014
I just want to tell a funny Grandma story before I go into detail about my weekend....So we're eating dinner outside and all of those damn birds are chirping and my Grandma goes "what do you think they're saying?" and I said "they're just chirping" and Gram goes "it always seems like they're saying 'Easter, Easter, Easter". And that's my Grandma.
I'll just go into my weekend:
Friday: I did nothing. I worked, obviously. I came home and ate and watched TV and then went to bed.
Saturday: I woke up super early to donate blood with Jay. So we get there and I have to go through all of the stuff at the begining. You know, answer all of those 900 questions about if you've been to Europe during years I wasn't even alive and if I've had anal sex with a man with HIV or a prostitute. Then they prick my finger and my iron is fine and my blood pressure is 106/80 which is a little low for me, but the nurse said it was fine. Then my temperature was 99.6. You can't donate if you're temperature is over 99.5...COME ON. So I had to wait for Jay. Thankfully I brought a book. Went for a bike ride. Got my nails done and my hair done. Sat around and did nothing to prepare for the next two days.
Sunday: Went to Mike's house at 6:30. Parked in his sketchy ass looking garage and waited for Matt. I'm never early for anything so I was impressed with myself. I got attacked by Mike's dogs while we waited. Then we got on the road. We wanted to go to Taco Bell, but the one in Breezewood didn't have breakfast. So we went to Sheetz. Then we kept going to Gettysburg. We got there and drove around. Looked at ten million fields and listened to the audio tour on CD. I learned a little bit. Actually, I didn't learn anything because I could only think about beer and how hungry I was. I was also thinking a lot about how hot I was and how much my hair was blowing around with the windows down. We got lunch (I had a hot dog with sauerkraut) and then we went to two brewery's. One was a normal looking restaurant and the other was one that looked like it was in a barn from 1863. Neither had that great of beer. Then we drove to Trog's which is in Hershey. Had some beer there and it was meh. I've had Trog's before. Maybe I just wasn't in the mood that I thought I was for beer. But none of the food looked appealing. I wanted to get poutine, but no one else wanted any. So I got drunk off double IPA's and we got Mexican. Then on the way home I started to doze off and I was listening to my iPod curled up in the back seat when all the sudden it felt like we hit something. So I took out my earphones and the car stated to slow down on its own accord. We all said we were okay and kept driving. Then the car just started to slow down and we heard a grinding noise. Mike missed like four of those emergency pull off's (we were in a construction zone with the barriers on both sides and you couldn't pull off on the side of the road) and kept driving for like two miles. The care eventually basically refused to go any farther and thank god the construction was over and the side of the road was ahead. So we stopped and looked at it and Mike called AAA. Matt and I waited on the side of the road in knee-high grass and bitched about how this better not take long while Mike wandered around the side of the road trying to find a mile marker. Poor Mike fell somewhere on the side of the road and was covered in blood and grass and dirt. This was about 12:45 in the morning, mind you, and we were about 20 miles from Hershey (which is not that close to Pittsburgh). So the AAA guy comes, and unlike the guy that has retrieved my keys from the Rav so many times, this AAA guy was not a looker. But what do you expect from a 1:00 AM call? He looked like a hick version of Louis C.K. His butt crack hung out about 7 inches even when he was standing up. The first thing he says to us when he pulls up is "you're going to get deer tics standing in that grass". So... thanks for making me paranoid, Louis. Louis talked like he had a half a pound of chew in his right cheek. He put the spare on and switched the back tire for some reason I don't care about. Then we had to drive home (155 miles) not going over 50 and stopping ever 50 miles and waiting for about 30 minutes. Needless to say, both the boys were pissed off and that drive took forever. We got back to Mike's house around 3:15 AM and I got home at 4:00 AM. On the drive home I had a nice conversation from a dumb person who clearly was drunk and wanted me to come over. He told me he "changed and matured". Why do people keep saying that? I don't think that mature people need to say things like that. It's like when dumb girls say things like "I'm such a nerd". No. You're just annoying. Saying you are something doesn't make it true. Anyway. I don't know why he thought that a.) I would come over- it's not like it's that good of a time and b.) stop going on about how we don't have to have sex. You know that's not in the cards anyway. It's just really funny to say things to dumb boys.
Monday (Spelunking) - I somehow woke up without an alarm around 8:30 and I got a shower and put on an entire outfit consisting of black spandex. Like a fat Cat Woman or a female Johnny Cash. I went to pick up Whitney and we went on our way to Laurel Caverns. We texted Steph and asked if she was going. Of course she called us even though Whitney and I hate talking on the phone. Steph said that her sister didn't have tennis shoes so they weren't going. Okay. We got there and found Marissa and then we went to buy our tickets for the upper cave. We were told that there is a lot of crawling around in the upper cave and it's mainly for 9 year olds. This translated into "you'll be bored and sore". In my mind, spelunking is hiking in a cave. Not the case. We read the rules and all of these things about how you could get stuck in the cave and how people break their bones and sprain their ankles and how if you get stuck it'll take a rescue team up to 12 hours to get you out. Obviously we went to the bathroom about 13 times before in case we got stuck for 12 hours. Cindy, our tour guide, was awesome. I literally had no idea what to expect. I thought that there would be a bit of dirt on my shoes and I might break out into a slight sweat because I'm fat and out of shape. Other people were wearing flip flops. Little did we know these individuals were on the "Family Tour". We decided to sign our releases and with that, possibly our lives. We went into the cave
This is what I imagined the caves would be like. Easy. Maybe I'd have to step over a rock here and there.
This is more like it:
I'm supposed to fit WHERE? I think I was dirtier than this person. The cave was 45 stories deep. And then you had to climb back up. I can't even describe it other than "Noooooo I can't do that". But I did it. I'm so sore right now. It honestly feels like my upper thighs are broken. It hurts to shampoo and my stupid legs almost gave out today when I was walking. WHEN WILL I FEEL NORMAL AGAIN? I thought I was going to have to throw away my clothes they smelled so bad and they were so dirty. We did get awesome head lamps out of it...Don't know when I'll use that again though. Spelunking was probably the coolest thing I've ever done, so I'm not complaining too much about the pain that I still am in.
At the end, we drove to a barbecue place on the side of the road (see my instagram) and had the most amazing pulled pork sandwiches. Then I drove home. My damn GPS made Whitney and me get lost. I got home pretty late and then died and went to bed. And woke up to a text from yet another asshole from Best Buy. So that's three in one weekend. Two are still happening for some reason.
I guess I'll go read now.
Or try to figure out my damn iCloud.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
I have a couple of things that I can write about. Hopefully I can type fast enough to get all of my thoughts down.
First, I've been listening to a lot of early 2000's music over the past two weeks and I've gotten two good things out of it:
"I must be fine 'cause my heart's still beating" - The White Stripes
This has taken over as my go-to quote after the Zac Efron quote from 17 Again about life going on.
"You don't pull my strings, 'cause I'm a better man, moving on to better things"
Which is a lyric that I've loved since I discovered the Kooks (thanks, in large part, to 17 Again)
Anyway, these are two things I've been saying lately. I'm just going to be okay with the fact that I'm completely alone. Like I have no one (and when I say "no one" I mean no boys). Which is okay, and actually kind of nice. I'm going to revert back to my 16 year old self when I still had hope that the first person I dated would be perfect, or Matt Hanson, and that I didn't need to provide a few weeks of attention to whoever passes by.
I guess I'm not "completely alone" either. I still have one stupid idiot hanging on. But that's getting back to the stage where it's too frustrating to even deal with and it's not worth it. My one client was talking about how she met this guy at one of her training and now they're in love. "It's only been two weeks" I said to her. "Well, when you're not looking, someone will come along that will be perfect". Except she says this about everyone that comes along. To me it's moving way too fast, but who am I to say. But what it said to me was that I need to suck all of the venom (stupid idiot) out of my life and then when I'm not looking, someone perfect will come along, like when I'm in line at Panera ordering my 14th coffee of the day.
We all know this won't happen, but whatever.
The other day, I was driving home from working a 12 hour day and I started to smell something burning. I immediately assumed it was my engine out of oil or misfiring or something equally engine related. So I decided to pull off the highway and get off at the next exit and drive until I found a mostly deserted parking lot. I would rather have my car combust in the middle of the highway and explode me to smithereens than awkwardly sit on the side of the road with my car on fire and people watching. So I'm in this parking lot and I'm thinking that it's probably not my engine because there is no smoke coming from my hood and engines don't smell like that. But still I opened my hood just to check my oil because, what the hell. So I'm in this parking lot and all the sudden I see some guy on a motorcycle turn around and drive into the parking lot to come help me. He had the body of a 50 year old pervert. So he came and asked if I was okay. He was actually probably in his early 30's and who doesn't love a guy on a motorcycle? But, alas, this wasn't my guy that comes along when I wasn't looking. That would have been a Mindy thing, not a Kristen thing. I've only had one cute meeting before, when I was at Best Buy and I was forced to be on register cause someone called off (already in a bad mood) and this adorable little boy came up and bought the Star Wars collection that came out that week and everyone buy me was excited for. I was my bitchy, sarcastic personality that day, and I guess he liked it cause he asked for my number. But this was like two days after I went to a wedding with someone else and we were, I guess, on the path to dating. I care a lot about people I don't care about. Anyway, that didn't end well because we were 23 and I was not a normal 23 year old. Now he's probably engaged and he moved to New Jersey. But the guy on the motorcycle did smell around my car and check for leaks to determine that I was driving with my parking break on. All the way from New Kensington to Cheswick, which is a fairly long drive to go with your parking break on. I bid him farewell, and we drove our respective ways. I still don't think that's what it was, but what else could it be because the smell stopped. I'm just too embarrassed to admit I drove with the break on (even though I didn't!) Sometimes I hate my life, but I blame the 12 hour day.
Also, my phone did break. I got the 4s, but I'm actually on my way to go to Verizon to upgrade because I'm so pissed that the guy gave me an 8 gb phone. Which is not an upgrade since the only difference between the 4 and the 4s is Siri, which I haven't even used yet. I can type my own questions into Google, thank you. I didn't even notice this until I plugged my new phone into my computer and it told me I could get all of the settings from my old phone via the cloud, but it didn't fit on my new phone.Then I looked at the box and realized it was only 8 gb So I guess I'm going to bite the bullet and buy the 5s or whatever else is there. So stupid. But the fun thing is I lost all of my contacts. People keep texting me and I have no idea who they are. It's actually kind of fun to write them back and see how long it takes me to figure out who they are. Which isn't really all that fun, sometimes it's awkward. I just have this thing. I don't want to ask who people are. Even though I have a legit excuse.
The next thing I can say is Megan and Andrew got married. It was a cute, perfect little ceremony. I don't want a wedding, but I do love going to other people's weddings. I guess this wasn't a wedding, either. It was Megan, Andrew, Andrew's friend Ian, their pastor and myself. I don't know if I want to get married in a church since I'm still holding out for a Jew. Well, a non-Orthodox Jew who is tall with dark brown curly hair, a big nose and really hairy and has the Jewish tendency to be rich. Anyway, enough about me. The ceremony was nice. It took about 6 mintues. I did Megan's hair. I know, that's funny. I wonder if you get married in the court house if you have to say all of those vows. It all seems too nerve wracking, and I don't want to say cheesy things while I stare into someones eyes, even if that person is going to be my husband in ten seconds. I also don't want to say the word "thee". But I also can't stand those people that make up their own vows. That needs to stop. We went out for Thai food afterwards to this cute place in the North Side. It didn't really fill me up but it did make my stomach hate me.