Tuesday, March 27, 2012

I'll swallow my pride if you'll stay through the years

In light of all of the recent situations going on in all of my friends lives right now, I'm really sorry. And while I could never know how any of you feel, I truly do emphasize with you. Some of the worst things that could be happening are happening and it's not fair. No one I know deserves to have anything bad happen to them because I wouldn't be such good friends with you if you weren't such beautiful people.
I feel horrible when I complain about my petty problem. We just have to keep thinking its not the end of the world, regardless of how it feels. One day, I hope, we'll all be happy.
I was telling Jamie that I just want something good to happen to someone I know. Any one of you, preferably me because I'm self centered, that would make me happy. It could be something small like finding a 20 dollar bill on the ground or even having one day of happiness.

Today I was with my client and he was just so happy. After I came to terms that I hate my life for the 100th time this week, he made my day so much better. I spent a good 20 minutes just having a tickle fight with him. He was so happy and he was laughing and we were holding hands so I was in a good mood. It was the only part of my day I enjoyed. Because I for sure didn't enjoy having to stand at the front lanes at work while my coworker had a meltdown in the break room.
See what I mean, we're all miserable.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Blah blah blah

I saved my clients baby brothers life today. This small child was playing in an outlet. I, of course, thwarted death today by quickly grabbing him and tossing him out of the way. Man, I don't get paid enough.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

i need a day off, i think i'll call Ferris up.

I've had one of those days (yet again...that seems to be all I have lately) so I thought I'd write a blog with the sole purpose of making myself laugh. Yes, I'm one of those people who finds themselves extremely funny.

First thing that'll cheer me up: Remember that time when I worked at AMC and that creepy black man licked my face?
Yeah. Most awkward moment of my life.

Remember that time when Antwon* fell off the bus and rolled about 20 feet through the parking lot while he still had his backpack on? A little back story: Antwon was this morbidly obese African American 6th grader. He only wore either black or teal sweat pants and I'm sure that he had more of a wardrobe, but the only sweat shirt that I remember him wearing was a Baltimore Raven's one. I remember that sweatshirt with such detail. Anyway, when I say morbidly obese I mean he was pushing 300 pounds. And he wasn't that weirdly shaped fat, he was a legit circle with legs and arms. Obviously this would make rolling through a parking lot with your backpack on funnier than it should have been. I guess any 6th grader with a heart would have tried to help him up, but I just laugh at this story 10 years later and continue to tell everyone I know the story about 70 times.

No one will remember this story, but one time in 7th grade I was walking in to Mrs. Burtch's (this is the same bitch that made me CRY in front of the whole class, not once but TWICE. And THEN she proceeded to follow me out to the bus while I was crying. To this day I hate when people apologize. I don't honestly care if they "mean" it or not. She also made Anteron cry. This was particularly hilarious because Anteron cried so much that he had gigantic tear drops all over his gray t-shirt. Also funny because Anteron used to put long pieces of tape on his fingers and paint the tops with white out (I might be making that part about the white out up) and pretend that they were fingernails and run them across your face. Anteron is probably a drag queen right now) math class and she came up to me and brought me to the door of the girls bathroom. Obviously I'm freaked out and have no idea what is going on. She told me that Chrissy( (or is it Christy?) was in the bathroom and had started her period. I was still confused and not sure what this had to do with me. But Mrs. Bitch asked me to go down to the nurse and get poor Chrissy/Christy a pad. In 7th grade I had already developed an understanding of when a teacher sends you on a mission, or you take a bathroom break, it's your prerogative to take as long as you'd like. This, however, was a bad decision on my part. I took so long to obtain said pad that by the time I got it from the nurse, the 8th grade lunch had let out. And if you remember good old Esperanza Middle School, the nurse's office is right across from the cafeteria. So here I am walking through a crowd of scary 8th graders holding a bright yellow pad for Chrissy/Christy who has now been sitting on the toilet waiting for her knight in shining awkwardness for over 15 minutes. I guess in 7th grade I didn't have the wherewithal to put the pad in my pocket or dart into the bathroom to hide out until the stampede died out. Anyway, moral of the story, beware if a teacher makes you cry she'll think you're a sensitive soul and you won't tell anyone about some poor girl's lack of preparation and understanding of her cycle. And to this day, I've only spoken about her mishap once. Now twice.


I'm pretty sure that I'm the only one that finds humor in this next story. It again takes place in Mrs. Bitch's class. I was in chorus, and I'd like to reiterate that I was in 7th grade yet in the 8th grade honors chorus. Remember that time we had to do that dance to "Fame"? We did that dance everywhere and every day. I still remember it. The best part is when we did it on the bleachers. There was a lot of shuffling and most of us were fat, so I'm sure all you heard was a lot of squeaking and banging. Anyway, we had some solos for our next concert and Anteron and this girl Chelsea both had one. I'm still offended that I was never offered a solo. Granted I have an intense fear of preforming in front of people (please don't ask why I have my bachelors in education), I obviously could sing! I mean I really don't know what happened to my voice but I must have been good enough at the end of 6th grade to impress Ms. Fenwick enough to put me in the good chorus. Anway, Mrs. Bitch somehow knew that both Anteron and Chelsea had solos. She asked Chelsea if she wanted to give our class a sample. Yes, in the middle of class. Chelsea, of course, declined. So then Mrs. Bitch moved on to Anteron, who, before he realized that he was a drag queen, knew that he was an attention whore. Of course Anteron would preform a snip-it of his solo in front of our 7th grade math class. And as Anteron stands up, all eyes on him, out of no where Chelsea starts busting out her solo from the back of the class. I'm really not sure if this is one of those "you had to be there moments" but I can't even type right now I'm laughing so hard.

Not to toot my own horn, but I was lookin' fly today. So much so that I stopped traffic on 376. Here's the story: I'm at the part on 376 right before you get to the tunnel where there are only two lanes. Most of us travelers are in the left lane because right after you get out of the tunnel you have to quickly cross two lanes of traffic to get to your exit. So I'm in the left lane and there is this man in a semi truck in the right. You know how you can feel someone staring at you? Well this man was honking his stupid horn. I tried to keep driving but when you're in bumper to bumper traffic and you have a semi truck parallel with you, there's not much you can do other than turn up Kanye and stare straight ahead. Since there was significantly less traffic in the right lane, the man in the semi truck was holding up traffic. I'd say the car in front of his truck was a good 15 car lengths ahead of him. Still honking and pervy staring, we headed into the tunnel. All I could think of was the newspaper headlines as we barreled through the tunnel in this death match : "Perverted Truck Driver Kills Dozens in Fort Pitt Tunnel as He is Distracted By Young Woman Driving a 13 Year Old Car". And I realize that this whole thing was probably my fault since I was wearing a skirt and I was sitting in half Indian style.




This isn't really that funny, but today I was in the car with my client and she goes
"You have a bug on your arm"  
"No, I don't it's a mole"
"It's a bug" *swats at my arm* "Oh, that is a mole"
This is something my grandma does about 6 times every summer when I start wearing tank tops until she realizes that it is, in fact, a mole.

Something that's not funny:
Today at work I spent about 80% of my shift setting up an end cap that I hated with all of my life. I'm actually probably not going to sleep tonight because of how much I don't like how it turned out. Whoever said I wasn't a perfectionist needs to reevaluate that statement.

*Names have not been changed to protect the innocent.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

I need all the friends I can get.

I'm still not sure what to blog about. I'm obsessed with Dance Moms and I wish everyone else was, too. Such great entertainment. There's drama and law suits and broken ankles and my favorite... Plantars warts. You should really tune in and watch a 400 pound lady try to tell ten year old girls how to dance. Quality. And that's not even sarcasm.

I'm also in love with my purple pants and again with the cherry tomatoes.

I've also decided that this Lifetime prime time movie that I've been making my life out to be is over. So that's always fun. I have another fun filled day at Worst Buy tomorrow and then I have my client. The only thing I want right now is a day off. And a whole pack of burnt hot dogs. That'd be swell

Sunday, March 18, 2012

I promise I'll blog soon.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

I'm so mad right now. What else is new though. I'm at panera right now and I just realized that I need to print something out for my client today and I forgot to do it when I was at worst buy. So now I have to drive home and then print this then all the way back to my clients. Ugh. And today hasnt even been a bad day.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

I can't believe what's on your mind...

When you're fat, your pants split open in the middle of work and you have to walk around squeezing your legs together hoping that the hole doesn't show.
 When you're old and your main method of transportation is motorized scooter, this is your life in Pittsburgh.
 When you get dumped two days before Valentine's Day, this is how you spend the lovely holiday. And no, I didn't win the PS Vita, of course.
 When you are compared to Garfield on a daily basis, you find this hilarious.
 When you're obsessed with making oatmeal edible...
 When you're really hungry after working all day and this is what you come up with.
 When you're emo and you dye your hair black and Kala does a really nice job curling your hair. She claims I'll be able to do it myself but no luck.
 When you've become one of those really annoying people who a)finds character socks hilarious and b) you wear socks with flats (this is top five rules that you can't break. Sort of like if I had friends to sit with at lunch...it'd be the equivalent of wearing a tank top two days in a row)
 When you love banana pancakes but CANNOT make them to save your life.
 When you become a 12 year old and find taking that extra step to change the names of all the (King, Queen, Princess...all males funny enough) douchebags in your phone. But if you read my last post you know that I deleted everything.
When you're really fat and your client  makes you take her to Golden Corral for her birthday dinner celebration. Yeah, that's stew, fried clam strips, calamari and baked beans. All on the same plate. 'Twas delicious.


Pardon the bitterness of this blog and the previous ones. Eek I'm sorry. 

Never have I been a blue calm sea, I have always been a storm.

I feel so liberated. I've never cleaned out my inbox before. I got rid of every single message from all of the stupid doichebags I had saved in my phone, including King, Queen and Princess Douchebag.
I deactivated my facebook and it feels good. Not sure why I feel such a need to keep messages for such a long time. It makes no sense, really. I'm just very sentimental. But I feel better now. Like that was some sort of weight has been lifted.

Anyway, I'm at the golden corral and I'm not sure if you've ever been to one, but I do feel like a cow. And not because I'm eating at a buffet. You are literally corralled the second you walk in. I feel like one of Temple Granden's steers. The food isn't even that good. The best part is I'm 89% sure that there is a wedding reception going on over in the corner. I can't tell though because this place is more crowded than a high school cafeteria in an over populates lunch hour.

I cry for you on the kitchen floor

I wore heels the other day and my left calf is killing me. It feel like I have a Charlie horse but I didn't. For some reason I woke up naturally at about 7:15 when I didn't need up until 9:00 but I'm up anyway so I got my late paperwork done and maybe I'll get a shower. Not sure. My clients don't really care and most importantly, I don't care. No cute brothers today.i I'm looking at my reflection in the glass cabinet about 10 feet away with a fairly large glare on it and my hair doesn't look that bad. No shower today. Thank you for helping me make that decision

Last night I went to one of my favorite places, The Pita Pit. I got a spicy black bean pita and it was the most delicious thing I have ever eaten. Then I saw This Means War and I liked it a lot more than I thought I would. Reese should stop trying to be funny because she's not. She picked the wrong guy despite their apparent "chemistry". It was sort of different from every other RomCom because there was some action. The overall plot was predictable and boring. Can someone make a RomCom where the protagonist isn't some really attractive 30 something who somehow is single. She's always either a loose cannon or an uptight perfectionist. Most women aren't like that. We need some middle ground, romantic comedy directors! Where is Mia Thermopolis preferably not portrayed by Anne Hathaway again.

Anyway, then we went to my friends house and just hung out till we almost fell asleep. Funny thing is, this was 11:00 pm. Why am I such a party pooper?

Speaking of poop, one day at Worst Buy I was ringing a customer out an he actually signed his name as "poop" on the pin pad. This was a 28 year old man.